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Fred Goofed!

"What?"

"Hey!", Fred snaps from behind you. Carl turns to him.

"Fred, I thought we agreed you were going to listen."

"Well, yeah, but ... "

"So listen", Carl states with an air of finality. He turns back to you. "Apparently, Fred never bothered to study up on rhinoceri beyond the fact that they're herbivores. Nor", he grumbles, "did he ever stop to ask me about the diet he was using for you."

"What's wrong with it?", you ask reasonably as you hear Fred grumble behind you.

"First of all", Carl begins, "it's woefully low in protein for someone your size. Ordinary rhinos eat mostly tough savannah grasses, with a lot of protein in them. As a rule", he adds, "the tougher a vegetable is, the more protein it has in it."

"But-", you begin, but Fred jumps in.

"Hey, I couldn't get savannah grass, you know that", the wolfmorph snaps. "I think I did a pretty good job!"

"Fred", Carl says evenly, "I can honestly say this ... you've given him almost exactly 50% of the classic rhioceros zoo diet."

Fred falls silent, so you ask. "Fifty percent?"

Carl nods. "The lettuce is good, since it's originally a shrub. The grains are good, since they're originally grasses. But you need more fiber, and some fruit in your diet."

"But isn't fruit fattening?"

Carl snorts. "Hardly. In fact, you could probably get away with a small amount of meat in your diet ... maybe a hamburger for lunch."

"But rhinos are herbivores", Fred says pleadingly. "Everyone knows that."

Carl seems to draw himself up to his full height ... not that it's that impressive around Fred. "That brings us to the little matter of 'what is a herbivore'", he intones coldly.

"What do you mean?", you ask, and Fred nods to the question.

"First", Carl begins anew, "herbivores can digest meat. They just can't chew it properly. A little meat in your diet will keep you from having to eat constantly just to get enough calories in your system."

"Okay", Fred says slowly, "and what's number two?"

"I'm guessing you're trying to diet down to a build like Fred's", Carl asks you. "Am I right?"

You nod.

"You'll never get there."

"But he's lost so much weight!", Fred exclaims. "He's doing fine!"

"Yes", snaps Carl, "if you consider near-starvation 'doing fine'. You", he points to Fred, "are a carnivore now. That means you have a small, highly elastic stomach and a short set of intestines. Meat isn't hard to digest, as a rule, so you don't need any more digestive equipment than that. That's why you can get such a narrow waist."

"I", he indicates himself, "am an omnivore. On the plus side, unlike Fred, I can eat a salad without running to the toilet immediately after I put my fork down." Fred blushes, but Carl continues. "On the minus side, I need a larger stomach and a longer set of intestines. I can never be as narrow-waisted as the not-so-gentle giant here", he gestures to Fred, "because of that."

"Now you", he declares, coming to a head, "are a herbivore. While your teeth can't tear meat -- don't even consider eating a steak", he adds, "your digestive system can handle it. But since your body drains all the water from the vegetables you eat, you need plenty of fiber. Plus, plants are low in calories. Because of that", he concludes, "you need a bigger stomach and a longer set of intestines than either of us. If you've ever wondered why gorillas have bulging bellies", he finishes, "now you know. That bulge in your midsection is, quite literally, your insides."

"So I can have meat?", you ask hopefully. "And other stuff, too?"

"Well", Carl mock-glares at you, "stay away from the sweets, of course ... flat teeth like yours are prone to decay. And large amounts of meat are still a no-no. But a little moderation, applied sensibly, should keep you healthy."

On hearing this, you decide to ...


Written by Wanderer (edited by wanderer)

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